Our Struggles

OUR PURPOSE

My posts have been kind of random. When a thought comes into my head, I have to write it down. My life has been an eventful one and if my mind wasn’t so all over the place I could write a book. You never know maybe one day I will.

I have always had abandonment issues and never really understood why. It wasn’t until later on in the years that I found the reasons for all my unanswered questions.

When I was three my mother left me and my brother and I never heard from her again until I was eighteen. We talked for a few years, but she was always trying to put the blame on my father. She would tell my brother what he wanted to hear and tell me the exact opposite. I called her on it and never heard from her again. I only wanted to get to know her. I wasn’t looking for a mother, but only for a friend. Was that wrong of me?

Anyways, my dad was married two times after that. I always had this yearning for mother love and never received it. Don’t get me wrong, I received so much love from my Dad and my Grandparents.

I find it strange that I can’t remember too much about my childhood. I remember always hiding behind my brother and being very shy. To this day I am still the same way. But when it comes to my children, it’s like a switch goes off. Don’t mess with them or you mess with me sort of thing.

His second marriage there were five children including me and my brother. We got the shitty end of the deal. Always came in last. If you know what I mean? I remember trying to get my step-mother's attention, but she was always too preoccupied with her own children.

His third marriage, scarred me for life. I tried everything to please her. I cleaned the house every day for her. Had all the meals prepared for her when she got home from work and that still that wasn’t enough. She would say to me “If you think you are going some place, think again.” All I was trying to do is put her in a good mood.

I remember not be allowed to go over to visit a friend or have a friend come over to my house. Come on people I was fourteen. What kind of parent does this to a child? I would literally stand at their door for hours to gather up the courage to ask if I could go over to a friends or to a movie. My father would always say “yes” and then there would be a huge argument and I wasn’t allowed to go.

At the age of fifteen was my first attempt at suicide and it was never dealt with or talked about again. It was brushed under the table or so to speak. Not too long after I was kicked out of the house for not quitting my job.

I know eh? I was given an ultimatum “Quit your job or get out!” I left. I have been on my own since. It wasn’t easy. I went from boarding house to boarding house and job to job. I did manage to find a friend at one of the boarding houses and we got an apartment together.

My Dad and I didn’t talk for months after. I always waited for him to ask me to come back, but he never did. I knew it was because of my step-mother. She also gave my father an ultimatum with my brother. She told him either he moves out or she does. I was living there at the time and I remember crying to my dad, literally pleading with him not to kick my brother out. He didn’t and she moved out. It only lasted a few weeks and she was back and my brother was gone.

I promised myself that when I had children I would do the exact opposite of what was done to me. I would show them the love that I didn’t receive as a child and let them know how much they are loved and wanted.

I did just that. There is always hope in every situation. Sometimes it is hard to see, but it is there. That’s all for now. I will be back soon.